Monday, November 28, 2011

Beware of the 105 freeway

I got this text from my distressed older brother “I almost died! Some weirdo on the 105 freeway was driving next to me and almost rammed me 5 times! We finally pulled over so he would stop and THEN so I couldn't leave he blocked the slow and emergency lane to yell at me that he was the speed enforcer, there to enforce the speed laws. Now I know why I don’t come to LA!" (I don't write fiction, this is very true, Girl scouts honor)

He had already boarded his flight by the time I was available to respond. Bummer!!! I don’t like cliff hangers. I spent the next couple hours trying to understand the offender’s intent.

..... Brainstorming….

Was he trying to perform a citizen’s arrest? ( My brother is usually running late which would lead me to believe he was indeed speeding)
Is he a suicide car bomber?
Is he bat shit crazy?

I finally get an update saying “He was weird, I don’t know what he was trying to do. One minute he was yelling at me, the next directing traffic, and then calmly asking me about the car I drove. Multiple personalities I guess!”

It was one of those instances where you shouldn’t laugh because a Schizophrenic almost killed your brother but something this bizarre is permitted one outburst of laughter. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I told him if I was there I would have opened up my suitcase and strangled the guy with my  hair blow dryer cord.

Lesson kids: Don’t speed on 105, there’s a speed enforcing looney on the loose!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Gobble Gobble

I’m thankful for the condo I live in with Matt and our cat daughter. I’m thankful for last Friday and having a home full of our closest, loudest, and craziest friends.
Our friends:
 The people who bring drinks and d├ęcor to your party (i.e. jungle juice and Jesus candles).
The people who bring humus and pita bread and get charged with being un-American and teased all night for ruining Thanksgiving.
The people that show up with two bottles of whiskey, a big smile and news that their catching a flight in 4 four hours.
The people that have their cheifs make the food they bring to parties. I’m not going to hate; I have dreams about that banana frosted heaven sent bread. Can I have his contact info?
The people that make you laugh till you cry!

I’m very proud of my deliciously cute set up!
The acorn treats I made and Matt having too much fun with the Turkey saw.

Btw you haven’t lived till you’ve had cottage beef, cauliflower mashed potatoes and stuffing with spicy sausage and egg in it! Thanks to everyone who came and brought yummy dishes!!!

I love my family, my friends, my man, and my cat. Happy Turkey day everyone!!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Friend of a friend

Disclaimer: This is NOT one of those stories where I claim to be talking about friend of a friend when in reality it's me.

I'm a complete wussy these days; I'm kind of like an M&M; hard shell but soft and sugary in the middle. When the going gets tough I get water proof mascara. Well this friend of mine actually lives up to age-old adage and just gets tougher. This friend informed me sometime around 1:00 PM that her love life had taken a turn for the worse and she was looking to have one of those mild “lounge on the couch and drink wine” days. I wish I could have hit the bottle with her but had to plan on a future date.

Hours later…….

I get this text, “Jessica, what does [Name Omitted] do in times of distress? Meet her guy friend at a topless bar for beers!! Lolol!!

[Darling Anonymous Girl] You made my day!!!

Sunday, November 20, 2011


Nothing makes me giddier than a poptart outing! I'm not talking about running to the grocery store for a sugary breakfast treat either.
Definition:  Poptart- A teen (or teen minded) girl who swears by gossip magazines, only listens to top 40 hits, and is willing to wait hours in the cold to see the new Twilight movie!
My friends and I have poptart tendencies but are by no means the full blown, 2-heartbeats-away-from-tattooing-Justin-Beiber’s-name-on-my-booty, kind of poptarts. We started our night of at my favorite restaurant, Roman Cucina. I love how much our topics of conversation have changed over the years. The biggest topics were things we bribe our husbands/boyfriends with to do the dishes and how World of War Craft, Madden, and Call of Duty have kidnapped our men’s souls. After dinner we picked up some coffee, added kick of Bailey’s and manned our posts.  In line we were blessed to be sandwiched between a bunch of 16 year olds and a guy loaded up on something. Mr. Loaded (who had a forehead so large you could have projected the movie we were about to see on it, if not for the fact it was covered by a disgusting mop of a hair cut) informed us that he wasn’t flying solo but rather was waiting for his chum, Andy Fab, to arrive. I decide to open up the conversation and ask about his Fab friend.
Me “Andy Fab, is he fabulous? What’s his real name?”
Him “Of course he is he’s Andy Fab. Andy Fab is his real name”
Me “Andy Fab is too spicy. Come on give it up”
Him “Andrew Stevens, he is so gay that you don’t know if he’s gay or lesbian. He’s big too! He needs all this space” (He is currently twirling in a circle measuring 10 feet in diameter circle)
This would have continued and gone who knows where but we were then informed that we were told to wait in the wrong line and our theater had been seated. ( SAY WHAAAAAATTTTT?)  I immediately went into mother goose mode and went hunting for a manager. The situation was quickly fixed and all 7 of us got to sit next each other. Now to what REALLY matters! The movie was amazing, beautiful, scary, romantic, sexy etc...!!! Their wedding  was exactly what I would want my dream wedding to be like but unfortunately I’m not a 200 year old vampire millionaire. The movie left me speechless and dying for the second half!!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Canada eh

As some of you may know, earlier in the year Matt and I took a trip up to Canada to see our dear friends the Kosturoses (or however you pluralize that silly Greek name) Matt made that comment not me:) Dimitri is one of Matt's oldest and closest friends, and quite frankly, a downright terrible influence in that bestfriendy kind of way. When their powers combine you can either run for cover or get just as drunk as they do. So this last weekend we decided to travel back up to Langley and well... we got drunk.
Pengi and I at the airport! Yes, I have given life to an inanimate object and yes, he loves to travel. 

The weekend was a continous cycle of rain, drinking, eating, and seeking new indoor entertainment. On Friday night before hitting the bars we got fuzzy over a game of Monopoly. Strategy and gaming tactics reach new heights when your contendors are a morgage broker, a realtor, and a former banker. You should have heard the negoations and offers of profits shares and rent exemptions that were buzzing about. I think the Parker Brothers would be proud. (After we hit a certain tipping point, clever strategy and trade turned to offers of sexual favors and threats. Maybe the Parker Brothers wouldn't be so proud.)

On Saturday we spent the day on Grandville Island and in Downtown Vancouer. Theres a huge indoor farmers market on the Island that triumphs all others. There must be at least 75 vendors selling fresh seafood, produce, and baked goods!


Matt and Dimitri looking handsome under the bridge.
 Stacey and I entertaining ourselves at the brewery. The coasters had  detachable mustaches (support MOvember)! If you would like one I pocketed more than one nose could ever need.

 Matt and Richard going head to head.

The boys after drinking 24 beers in 2 hours.

FACT:  Finding a Mexican in Canada is nearly impossible.
 Stacey always jokes that people probably think I'm either East Indian or a real eskimo. So naturally I wanted a picture with a Totem Pole.

TRUE STATEMENT: I have a little Native American in me and my last name means butter in Navajo.

Jessica Jane Butter, Sexy Kinda....
I had an amazing trip but couldn't be happier to be home with my cat daughter.

Monday, November 7, 2011


 Sorry being such a negative Nancy lately. I promise this post has a different tone. Since, My Pops is having surgery towards the end of the month and for the next 4 weekends my siblings and I are taking turns traveling out of the country or state, my family celebrated Thanksgiving on Saturday. Whenever we congregate there's always endless chatter, eating, drinking, laughing, and teasing. It was exactly what I needed to recharge my internal battery........
Later that night I scooted down to Huntington Beach to meet up with some amigos. It was one of those nights where your so involved in your group of friends you hardly notice other people, you bust out humiliating dance moves, sway your arms to and fro, and buy drinks like it an't no thang!

Ummmm...what else? Oh ya, I made a friend on the dance floor. She was a riot, we exchanged numbers and swore to one day dance again. Then sometime around 3am I threw on a fisherman's cap and a North Face jacket for a quick and very cold bike ride.

Short and simple,Saturday was everything I needed.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Pull yourself together.

AMEN Lizzie.

This week in a nuttshell....

I lost my agenda. I feel like Linus without his blanket.
I found a 4 day old donut in my $200 purse. My purse now suffers from sugary dandruff.
My car broke down. Mexicans think soda pop can cure everything (i.e. drink a sprite to cure all stomach related illnesses) so I called bullshit when my Dad told me to pour some over my battery. To my amazement it works and my car started up almost immediately.
I got accepted to Cal Poly and then dropped my Stats class. It was one of the hardest and most adult decisions I have made. I decided to be honest with myself and realize that I took on more than I could handle. I'm happy and can't wait for the following quarter.
I've been fighting off a cold and my allergies are in full affect, I think I one of these:

Oh and when I thought things were starting to get normal a guy approached me yesterday and said, " Miss I just got out of jail, I know this sounds odd (NO, it sounds scary) but can I have some of your money?" What kind of pitch is that? If you want my money don't include your dirty laundry or sound like your about to politely rob me.

So today at 11:00am I am taking Miss Taylor's advice by having a drink for breakfast, eating frosting out of the container, getting dolled up, and having a fun day. Goodbye stress, hello weekend!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Parties and boys

There's house parties and then there's Sarah's house parties! I always leave saucy (you would think a bartender lives there) and full of yummy treats. She never disappoints!
There's good costumes and then there's GREAT costumes. If you don't know who Matt and I are it's pretty apparent you don't have cable (unfortunate) and I'm done explaining to people. Sorry.
There's college parties then there's fraternity parties.
Some of the frat boys you'll meet are lunatics and some will change your heart forever. Some will be so amazing that you'll drive an hour to see them (killed the resale value of my car) 3 times a week!! You'll fall so in love that you'll  leave your Brea bubble behind and move to Los Angeles.
Happy 2.5 years to my main squeeze, handsome pants, fuzzy faced boyfriend!
You send me over the moon!

Look babe, your gift just came in the mail!
JUST kidding.....maybe.