Monday, August 29, 2011

Two stories of why stupid people shouldn’t reproduce:

Story 1:
Today as I was leaving the Americana and navigating my way to the parking structure I was approached by two Armenian teenagers. No big deal except I felt these boys had been watching me walk for some time.   The taller, less awkward one asked me something in Armenian (and as an aside, everyone in LA seems to think I am Armenian). As I was attempting to alert him I had no clue what he was saying, I noticed his friend had some wadded up cash in his hand. It all clicked into place for me; they must want me to buy them alcohol. He switched to English, “Ahh, well, you’re young, and there aren’t any other young people around and I thought you’d understand.” I stopped him short “No, I’m not buying you booze.” Me, illegal activity… no, never. J He then replied “No, no, we want you to buy us condoms.” I about died and felt incredibly embarrassed for them and myself. It was time to break news, I cleared my throat, tucked the laughter away and replied, “Maybe you aren’t aware but you don’t have to be of any certain age to purchase condoms.” On the plus side, at least they were trying to avoid reproducing.
Story 2 tied to a weekend update:
In one of my classes my teacher offered an extra credit assignment that entailed either working in the community or with a charity involving the homeless. The girl sitting next to me let out a big gasp followed by a stream of deep breaths. She turned to and said “I have to have these points but I can’t work with those kinds of people. No, no, I’m from Yorba Linda, the land of gracious living!” I began to laugh because what I thought was an asthma attack was her reaction to the homeless. She tilted her head in confusion and looked at me as if I was the odd one. Sweetheart, you’re the least gracious in all the land and you’re fortunate to be pretty. This Sunday as I was making my way to Yorba Linda I passed their welcome sign and couldn’t help but have a laugh at that bimbo’s expense. Enough about her… I was ecstatic to be back in Orange County and celebrating the fourth birthday of my best friend’s son. He is such a character and on any given day you can catch him saying things like, “Hey what are you doing later, wanna kick it?” I had such a great time drinking, eating, and swimming with my favorite people!

Lastly, in an effort to understand one of Matt’s more fervent obsessions, I have joined a fantasy football league. I’m going to be matching wits with some old grade school friends. My draft was last night, and I enlisted the help of my self-proclaimed guru of a boyfriend and Honey Hunnel for the opening rounds, but then later picked guys based on the uniqueness of their name. It went surprisingly well - both Matt and his friend Kevin believe I have one of the three best teams in the league! I hope these boys are ready for the Petite Powerhouse!

Friday, August 26, 2011


New word: willowwacks- a wooded, uninhabited area.
It's an odd sounding word, but I do love what it implies: portions of space yet to be "habitated". Of course, I have no use for this word in the literal sense; I immediately thought of it metaphorically- as in, "the uninhabited regions of my soul" or, "the uncharted corners of my heart". With all the immeasurable things that make up our beings, surely there are portions of ourselves yet undiscovered? Absolutely, there must be fragments of our hearts yet unearthed? Nearly every day I find myself twisted up in thoughts and questions about my existence. I’ve always been afraid to admit that I,  much like everyone else have bugs and corks in need of repair. I’m learning to welcome the undiscovered and unearthed rather than fear it.
On a lighter note:
Failing again......and NO those aren't all ours, we had guests (my lips may or may not still be purple ekk). I'm excited for more nights on the roof and all the people who are coming to visit in the next two weeks!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

You call it gluttony, I call it the good life.

I’m rounding off my first month in Los Angeles and I must report it’s been glorious!! Essentially, Matt and I have been hosting nightly house parties for one another - we've been sampling a variety of new foods, beers, and wines (Heaven, right?). The drawback to all of these appetizing treats and libations is that they are ridden with ungodly amounts of calories. Matt is growing concerned that we are turning into those "just three drinks a night" kind of people. I responded that I don’t mind being the one drink a night kind of people… needless to say he wasn’t amused. We agreed a change was needed and decided to reinstate things like water and fruit back into our diets. Alas, our new nutritional restraints were short lived. This past weekend consisted of these amazing establishments and outings: Porto’s Bakery, 5 Guys Burgers and Fries, Chomps, Roman Cucina, and Mark’s Birthday.
 One of the benefits of being the girlfriend of someone who doesn't eat cheese is that when your man orders a hamburger and they mistakenly add cheese... FREE BURGER!

I think the man upstairs thought it was about he intervened in our health crisis and delivered this beauty:

Not that God directly addressed me, but I'm pretty sure if he did it would have gone something like this, “Jessica, I’m going to make this painfully easy for you. Here is a treadmill, it’s free, and there are able men nearby to transport it for you.” When we first noticed the forgotten exercise apparatus, there was a misguided couple attempting to cram this behemoth into their fuel efficient (read: TINY) vehicle. Once they had accepted defeat, I marched Matt and Danny right over to collect my divine prize. Despite it's antiquated nature, it works like a charm. Matt keeps calling it a dinosaur; I prefer the term “high functioning Antique”.
Ed. Note: As I am finishing this entry, Matt and I are sitting on the roof enjoying a cold beer and glass of wine, respectively. We'll start tomorrow.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Proposal from a stranger….

I’m not a huge Starbucks fan but once in a while I require a glass of good morning juice in order to avoid malfunctioning. Yesterday was one of those particular days, except no coffee could stun me the way this homeless man did. When I drove up I saw a long haired, I just rolled in the dirt, looking homeless man. No big deal, this is Los Angeles and in some areas they seem to account for the majority. I gave him a dollar, we exchanged a smile and I went about my mission.  MISSION DERAIL … I could sense someone trespassing into my personal bubble. My assumption was correct, there was Joe Dirt smiling ear to ear showing off his best and only 7 teeth. He looked me dead in the eye and said “When this great country reinstates polygamy I would like to have you as one of my wives.” (I’m currently vomiting in my mouth btw) What do you say to that? Without much thought I replied, “Homeboy you’re a bit disgusting.” He caught me off guard and that was all my sometimes ghetto brain could produce. Another day/ Another crazy!

Monday, August 15, 2011


To my fellow carnivores and drinkers, we must visit one of the many all you can eat Korean BBQ resturants in K-Town! For $17.99 you'll go home beyond stuffed and satisfied. Every time I eat at one of these places I feel the need to turn my jeans in for elastic fat pants.
Nom Nom!


It was great evening of drinking, eating, and catching up with friends.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Breakfast with a stranger…

Roughly 3 months ago a woman from Glendale called into my work and requested a personal shopping appointment with me. After examining her name and information I was puzzled because she certainly wasn’t my client.  She came through the doors with open arms, kisses on both cheeks, and the typical did you change your hair? Blah Blah Blah, typical woman bullshit. (And no, I haven’t lost weight, but thanks for asking!) Her excitement toward this nonexistent relationship and the presence of her best friend lead me to the decision of not embarrassing her or questioning her affection. Though awkward, the experience was both entertaining and profitable. Miss Overbearingly Creepy and her partner in crime spent some serious cash. Upon leaving they demanded we exchange information and allow them to take me out once I moved to Los Angeles. Who was I to say no? At this point I was beyond flattered and my register was full.
Fast forward…….
After calling LA home for about a week, I decide “what the hell” and gave my brand new best friend a call. Her particular brand of oddness was wildly intriguing, and I am a blend of adventurous and crazy – I’d be betraying myself J I was unable to even exchange pleasantries before she had rattled off a location and time for our rendezvous.  After agreeing to her plans, I realized that this is how people find themselves in trunks and bathtubs full of ice. I could feel her excitement for our date over the telephone, and I figured she was welcome to my kidneys as long as I got a good meal out of it.  She arrived in her brand new Lexus, rocking leather driving gloves (Fabulous, right?). She ordered at least 10 different items on the menu, insisting I sample an array of her favorites. Now that I had her intoxicated with rich food and alone, I was determined to find out her story. She is a world traveler, visiting London, the Philippines, and one new country each year. Her family has a history of bad health and she suffered a stroke that left her temporarily paralyzed.  She sees no reason to sit o the side lines and watch life past by.  She had me thinking of my own future and all the places Matt and I want to explore.  It was wonderful to see someone live life on their own terms without regret. I no longer fear this woman (nor do I anticipate my body being sold off for parts) and genuinely look forward to spending time with her again, though I still don't know how she found me... Three cheers to chance encounters!
BTW, these are my lastest obsession!
Come visit and I'll take you for one!